The Kingdom.

So, this weekend Brandon is speaking on the Kingdom of God. I’ve been thinking about it a lot… maybe so I could help him while I proof-read, come up with good ideas with him… but then I realized I don’t know much about it. I’m studying it now–wanting to know more. This week, I’ve been writing down what the Kingdom is to me.  

The Kingdom is to me…

Amazing Grace read aloud as it slowly softens my heart. “Jesus Paid It All” resonating against the walls of a huge building where my Midtown family worships one God all together. A tent in the mountains of Guatemala representing God’s church and the beauty of English and Spanish singing together God’s praises. Small children singing “Jesus loves me this I know” with hand signals and all. The hearts of college students that love people, love our church family, love our God. My lifegroups pushing each other to love Jesus more. The beauty of the homeless of Columbia eating nachos and salsa, playing card games, getting their hair cut, winning prizes with ticket stubs, and the wives picking things for their husbands upon winning, all the while smiling from ear to ear. A young man opening up to ask advice and prayer to seek Christ in his relationship while on the other side of town someone is asking advice for how to deal with the loss of their husband.            

The parks in Columbia that hold so many different people—the young, the old; the dog-walkers, the ones terrified of dogs; the small children playing on the monkey bars, the old ladies walking with their fanny packs; the college kids playing ultimate, the high-schooler’s playing football; the couples, the loners; the energetic, the tired; the strong, the weak; the happy, the sad; the lost, the found.            

The sound of “Green eyes” singing from my phone as my sweet husband calls. Waking up at three to move closer to him. Holding hands with him while walking the dog. Seeing the quirkiness God gave him and loving every bit of it. Sharing a platter of seafood on dinner dates. Talking about church, Jesus, and His love for us. Thinking about the future with him—our church, our family, children, new cities and homes. Listening to his heart for the homeless, for the unloved, for the lost. Knowing he will publish a book that God will use to change lives. Seeing him be the most perfect leader a woman could ever ask for in a marriage. Being with my best friend. Seeing God use our relationship. Seeing God improve our relationship. Falling in love every day, again and again. Knowing he strives to love me like Christ loved the church.              

 It is “go home weekends” where Brandon and I travel to the Upstate to catch up with family and friends. It’s late-night talks and silliness with my precious brothers, watching ball with my parents, walks to the creek with my in-laws, jumping on the trampoline with Hannah Mae, Sunday lunch at Memaw’s, sweet tea at Meme and Papa’s, the old Ford at PaPa and Mama’s, and Catch Phrase with my maid of honor and best guy friend.            

It is random days during the week where my Columbia family eats, discusses, and laughs. It is Beth’s hilarious self that knows me more than I do and talks to me about any and every thing, it’s Courtney’s sweet voice that I can barely hear on the phone, yet so much love, concern, and joy comes from that small voice. It is Renie’s heart for the lost, her passion to see them know her Savior, Megan’s love for little children—knowing exactly what to say, Beth V’s drive to be a strong mother and wife, Erica’s zeal that lights up every room, C-gib’s ability to speak it truthful and keep it focused on Jesus, Jennifer’s hospitality. It is Bailey’s wisdom that quiets a room, Jay’s humbleness that shows Christ’s love in him, Beau’s funny character that makes you smile no matter what, Grubb’s hard work that shows me it’s okay to be a grown-up, Garrett’s artistic abilities that display God in all kinds of different ways, Allen’s kind heart that I’ll never, ever have, Dustin’s way of encouraging everyone to do what God’s called them and helping them to accomplish their goals…My friends have Christ leading their life…they know the Kingdom.           

It’s the sunset in Liberty, the heartbeat of childhood in Easley, the best of times in Anderson, the renewal in Columbia. It’s the remembrance of family in Arial Methodist, the finding of Jesus in Brushy Creek, the change in Potter’s Clay, the growth in Midtown. It’s the sweet faces, hurting souls, and helping hands at the Parenting Place; it’s the openness and need for love at Pizza Buffet; it’s the excitement, peacefulness, and happiness of being a children’s minister; it’s the tears, growth, and finding of my gifts at Richland ED; it’s the copies, stapling, praying, and planning of Collegiate Ministry that leads people to Jesus. It’s every church—every job—every part of life.            

It is part of every, single day… it is every, single day. It’s walking, talking, moving, breathing, eating, sleeping, seeing, reading, listening, hearing, pushing, pulling, working, resting. The Kingdom is in me—it’s in you. It is here and it is now. It is love. It is beauty. It is renewal. It is beauty. It is setting the captives free. It is raising the dead. It is loving on the unloved. It is praying for the ones needing prayer. It is Truth. It is life. It is everything. It is all. It is all around us—surpassing all we can say or feel. It is God’s heartbeat.

just close your eyes. everything will be okay.

The house is still at midnight, by one we’ll be a wreck
Alcohol and bandages will soon follow this mess
Sleeping’s overrated, we lie awake and cry
If this is love then kill me now and save me from my life
The house is dead by morning, as good as new again
The morning after funeral is coming to it’s end
Smile’s aren’t too tempting and hopes as good as lies
Memories are pain that lost their meaning over time

Just close your eyes, everything will be okay. 

Brandon loves this song… I guess the tune, the way it sounds, the “catchy-ness”. We did the whole ‘replay it over and over again’ during our traveling over the weekend. Today, it randomly came on during shuffle as I drove to work. First song and last song (considering it takes me 45 seconds to drive to work.) As I listen, though, I realize a few things about this song… it could almost be my motto at times. I could sing this song to the exact wording and tune and it would fit. It would fit August 26th and January 4th. And a random day in May. And it would fit today.

My best friend passed away in a freak boating accident right beside the dock that was stationed in my backyard during college. Her things were left in my bedroom, on my bed, where she changed her clothes to put on the bathing suit that she was found wearing the next day. I talked to her while I was pulling in the driveway and we couldn’t find her by the time I changed and reached the backyard. I still, at times, think I’m making this up. Any moment, Mal will pop in, singing “Shanequa don’t live here no more” or maybe talking about how she’s giving up Coke this week for good. Or tell me that the wedding was beautiful and she was glad to be a part of it. And I’d be absolutely fine if she just came around the corner right now to tell me my hair looks terrible short and I need to grow it back out. But none of those things will happen…only in my imagination. imagination that God gave me but I too many times let slip away from His intentions.

After realizing this song could be my motto, my heart is pulled another way…a way that does have God’s intentions in mind. It’s turned to the verse where Jesus says, “Why are you weeping?” He looks in my eyes as He looked in Mary’s on that day and tells me He is here. He is risen. He is raising the dead. He’s setting the captives free. He’s rejoicing in His sacrifice because it was what had to be done for a Father and a child to be reunited. It was what had to be done to make the lost be found…the dead be living…the broken be mended. And He rejoices with you and with me, shouting, “Why are you weeping? I’m alive! The debt is paid in full! It is finished!” May God always tug and pull on me. I could not remember without His constant tugging. By the time I lay my head down tonight, I will have already forgotten that He’s risen & the magnitude of it all. I would have replaced that remembrance with pain, selfishness, and hatred of this life. I would be begging, ‘if this is love then kill me now and save me from my life.’  

Yet, He holds me. Asks me why am I weeping. And I respond: “it hurts” as He holds me tightly… never, ever, ever letting go. 

Mal saw our wedding from the most perfect view. She sings and laughs through memories. She rejoices with me already in future happiness and one sweet day we’ll sing our praises to Christ together—all together.

i think i’ll start it over.

Happy Easter. I know I’m a day late.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Easter…what it means. What it means to the grandma in Bilo early Easter Sunday trying to put together a meal for their son, daughter, cousin’s cousin and brother’s friend because they are all home “for Easter”. What it means for the pastor who preaches six services on Sunday just so everyone that comes to his church can actually fit. The college student who gets a good meal and hears the preacher at their “home church” preach. What it means for the small child in Guatemala running barefoot to church on dirt roads. What it means for the mother sitting in the pew with her three week old baby in her arms, seeing new life that God has given her. What it means for the ones in the yard hunting eggs and eating chocolate bunnies. What it means for my husband and me–the ones who hurry home on Friday to take our puppy to not one but two groomers just to get her hair all cut off, grab some Skin’s hotdogs, head to Liberty to take in the view of the mountains and spring air along with the beauty of sweet children swinging and playing ball and ending the day with more family that Brandon has never met. Saturday holds Sam’s shopping (the Easter bunny that comes to my house brings Propel, Starbucks frappaccino, and Trident… all in bulk), running with Pacey for maybe thirty minutes to catch a break to even try and concentrate on the Cross (and thinking… that was yesterday), then dinner and a movie with family.

And then finally Sunday… Easter morning, I decide to stop. Think about Jesus. Think about Easter. Sunday morning church spurred me on to remember to surrender. Amazing Grace read aloud pulled my focus to the Cross, to Love, to my God.

Only to run again–from church to lunch then to Columbia to unpack the car, change, and head to Midtown for setup. All the while, asking myself if I’m committing or surrendering.

Am I much different from the lady in Bilo? I wish I was more like the child running to church on dirt roads, barefoot with a smile on my face.

“Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice, Blessed are all who wait for him!” Isaiah 30.18

Thank you Jesus–for love. Thank you that Your love holds so much forgiveness for me, for the grandma in Bilo, for the child in Guatemala, for the man in the pulpit. Thank you. May I learn to hold my measure of when I should be concentrating on the Cross to more often.

heck, maybe even every day…

amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. i once was lost, but now i’m found. was blind, but now i see. ’twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace that fear relieved. how precious did that grace appear the hour i first believed. the Lord has promised good to me. His word my hope secures. He will my shield and portion be, as long as life endures.